I'm Trying, I Promise

Depression? I've been asked by several close friends recently "Are you depressed?" I've answered them, "No, i'm so happy!" The truth is i'm not happy. I am not sure if I am "depressed" or not, but I do know that I am not happy. This is probably one of the most honest blogs that I will ever post. I pretend that I am something i'm not for the well being of my friends, I don't want them to worry. The truth is that i'm very sad with myself. I have come so far to achieve nothing. I want to reveal several things that bother me very much(in no certain order).

I have very judgmental/sketchy friends, I am no longer in a successful (or what could be a successful) band, I have gained weight, I smoke cigarettes, me and my girlfriend fight far too much, my old best friend is pregnant, I've ditched people that have tried to become friends with me, I no longer feel happy when i'm not under the influence of a substance, I drink too much, I dwell on the past, I no longer have hope of any sort of after life, I have become nosy and suspicious of other's actions/activities, I never spend time with my family, I spend way too much time on the computer, I never read, I judge people without actually meeting them and having a conversation with them, I am not grateful for the life I have been given, I don't really care what happens to anyone, I don't care what happens to me, I have broken the trust of close friends by sharing private information, I don't care to keep in contact with old fans, I don't want to make new friends, I don't want to keep the friends I have, I'd rather do almost anything than go out in public, I can't fit in the clothes I once felt most comfortable in, I can no longer impress people with my individuality or good looks, I don't defend my friends when they are made fun of, and much, much more.

I feel useless and pitiful. I feel jealous. I feel like shit. I want to fix all of the things I listed above, and also everything I forgot to list. I love everyone, everyone that has ever encouraged me, anyone that has ever loved me, anyone that has every been a good friend to me, anyone that has ever taken the time of day to talk to me.

My life is changing, for the better, all I need is your support and encouragement. i believe I can redeem myself and fix all of this mess. Please support me and believe in me. I swear i'll never forget any of you, or any of your support. I love you much.